When Carrie and Jim first advised me about their couple`s chronic misfortune, I saw something familiar from my 35-year-old family therapist – a couple whose relationship was maintained, explosive and recurring arguments to silence and distance. Jim thought things never made his way; Carrie felt like her husband always had the upper hand. The problems have not been solved, sometimes for years. The children suffered from their parents` frequent arguments over seemingly petty things – not just the morning routine, but also homework, homework, bedtime and much more. Jim and Carrie used a variant of the turn-taking technique – a strategy I call switching leadership – to solve another problem in their relationship. „Every Saturday night, I want to go out, have dinner, watch a movie,“ Carrie said. „And Jim wants to eat at home and read a book. We fight, and then we don`t feel like we`re together, so he has his way. Jim explained his point of view: „I don`t have time to read during the week. I just want a quiet time. I asked them if they were ready for another experiment, and I talked to them about switching leadership. „This Saturday, I said Jim, you are fully responsible for the plans for these two. Choose something you think you`re both happy about and think it`s a surprise.
I said to Carrie, „This is an opportunity to put yourself entirely in Jim`s hands, to learn what`s important to him, and to relive your relationship in a new way.“ Carrie would be the leader the following Saturday. In my experience, marriages work well when partners negotiate for every human being to receive something, but not everything he or she wants. Too many couples usually choose the „Meet-in-the-Middle“ method to solve problems and think it`s less chaotic and fairer. But this is not the case: if he loves the mountains and she loves the shore and they spend all the holidays in a big city, they do not argue, but everyone will feel secretly dissatisfied. Meet-in-the Middle solutions lead to fewer and fewer real conversations about what everyone really wants. Whenever spouses fail to express a clear position or listen to their friend`s desires, the invisible pile of unspoken desires that separate them becomes growing. Conflict resolution in marriage is a normal part of everyday life, so if you have a disagreement with your spouse, don`t worry. You can solve almost any argument by pronouncing the problem and keeping your freshness to avoid saying something hurtful. If something bothers you, you will find a good time to talk, if you are both well rested and are able to concentrate. Sit face to face and imagine the problem so your spouse knows what`s bothering you.
For example, you could say, „I would like you to put the kitchen away. If you leave it chaotic, I feel like you don`t know how much I clean up. Be sure to actively listen to your spouse to show that you respect their feelings. Above all, do not raise their voice or call your spouse`s names, as this will make things worse. If you are too angry to speak rationally, go for a walk and return to the discussion later. Once everyone has spoken, you will work to find a solution that satisfies you both. To learn how to avoid conflicts in the future, learn more about our relationship co-author! In managing a marital conflict, couples should first have an open conversation on the subject and understand each other`s point of view before trying to resolve it. It is important that the problem is known. Be prepared to listen, and the other should speak. Do what matches your partner and reach the limits of how you can solve problems when they occur. Even if your friend behaves differently, be mature and call for a ceasefire.